Conundrum

I feel simultaneously better and worse than I can remember.

Actually, bollocks to that, I don't feel all that bad. I just feel at a loss. I'm bored. I'm stuck. I'm looping in a tedium that is unavoidable and unescapable and there's nothing I can reasonably do about it.

I'm on top of the world at the moment.
My degree is going really well (although, I probably should do more revision for that exam in a couple of weeks), I'm feeling fitter and healthier than I have ever because I'm training for a half marathon at the moment. It's not easy but I haven't got to make it my life's goal. It's something to occupy a few hours a week to make sure I don't do too badly. I'm running for the McMillan Nurses charity so am feeling good about that and I plan to start collecting donations sometime soon. I'm embracing sides of me that haven't fully developed yet. I've been reading porn since I was 10, I've written a little bit of it (one story has over 13,700 views and an average rating of 4.70 out of 5 after 30 odd votes [I really am very proud of that]), I've been having sex for a couple of years and experienced a range of situations and I've been helping friends find out more about a plethora of issues because of my own knowledge and reading. But only recently have I decided that I'm sexy, or at least have the qualities to be sexy. I don't think it's necessarily a straight up confidence thing, nor do I think it has any great deal to do with getting in better shape, just how I view myself from an outside perspective.
All of these are good things. Nay, they are nigh on great things. I'm becoming the man that I was destined to become. Despite no tangible father figure, a sometimes strenuous relationship with my mother and a bitch of a puberty, I'm feeling like I'm on the cliff edge of truly becoming someone. I'm running leaps and bounds of the unknown because I've got faith that my wings will carry me.

I'm not saying I've made the wings by myself. The strength in what I've got and what I've done lies with my mother. Everything I am and have done should be sourced to my mother. She's the strongest and most courageous person I've ever met or would care to meet. She threatens to cancel Christmas every year, she is the only person that can actually hurt me and she is more childish than any other over 50 I know. But she's brilliant. Funny, witty, cultured, urbane, tough, loyal and talented.

Being home makes me think about weird things and despite not having the best couple of days, I'm so pleased I'm back.


I don't mind too much that I'm going back to Liverpool in two and a bit weeks, but it was too long fo