An educational post:

What is swearing?

According to the online dictionary, swearing or to swear is defined as: “To curse or 'cuss'. Swears are considered inappropriate to use in public places, but are less offensive than other profanities. Pre-adolescents often reference these ‘bad words’ by their first letter.

Why swear?

Swearing should not be a past time left only to football hooligans and thugs with low levels of lexis. Swearing is, if done properly, an exercise in poetry, eloquence and imagination. The unfortunate culture that seems to of surrounded swearing has put it taken it firmly out of the public’s favour, with it being frowned upon in many circumstances.

This should not be the case!

An intelligent, educated person does not swear due to an inability to think of anything better to say in the certain situation, but a loud, exuberant exclamation of “Bollocks” can be therapeutic, cathartic and most fulfilling.
To call someone a “vapid cuntflap” is more so.

When to swear

A healthy proclamation of obscenity can be regarded poorly if done in the wrong situation. For instance, when in a public swimming pool which is oft frequented by small children and their mothers, refrain from calling a tyrannical lifeguard a “palmfucking bishop-basher”.

Situations where it is acceptable are ones that are less likely to have small children (for this circumstance 10 and under) or women of over 60. Old men tend to care less and may in fact demonstrate some ‘old school’ swearing if in a favourable mood.

One should think more of adopting a ‘Code Duello’ type of mentality. Of course, a duel is not a brawl. It is a controlled battle between gentlemen of honor. As such, a certain level of dignity is expected of all participants.

How to swear

To swear properly, one must first get a good foundation of solid obscenities, be they coital, scatological or anything else. I’ve prepared a list of words you more than likely know and can doubtless add to at your own leisure:



Fuck


Cunt


Toss


Spunk


Cum


Bastard


Wank


Cock


Twat


Scrotum


Bollocks


Arse


Whore


Slut


Bitch


Bugger


Shit


Piss


These are simply places to start the insult or curse. Adding to these nouns can add a joyously poetic and colourful nature that’s not otherwise felt. i.e. Tossbag, Wankstain, Cumsplash. Similarly, Adding verbs gives a compulsive, compounding phrase that can help when totalling up large, long and exuberant insults. Scrotum-sniff, Piss-swigging, Bastard-bumming, so on and so forth.

A personal favourite method of swearing is saying implicitly or explicitly that the insultee has a plethora of diseases. This can be anything from mutations and growths to venerial infections. A list of perfectly suitable and well-flowing ailments:


Small-pox [or just pox]


Tinnitus


Streptococcus


Acne


Bubonic Plague


Cat-Aids


Flatulence


Epilepsy


Dysentry


Jaundice


Neuropathy


Penile Induration


Rickets


Scabies


Cancer [any sort, Genital works well often though]


Yellow Fever



Good for linking and also useful for ending particularly venimous insults i.e. Pox-cart, Epileptic Shitsticker etc.

I hope you will all use these to aid your general banter and collegial conversations. You bunch of worthless, bishop-bashing, granny-banging, nippleclamped, jaundice ridden, cockspringing fuckpig cuntflaps.