My board of officials.

Or

How I decide whether I should be in a relationship with someone.


It has occurred to me that people must work quite hard to be in a relationship with me. They must earn it. Their behaviour is judged by a board of highly trained and over qualified officials and they report back to me as to whether they are worthy of such a reward. It’s a most bureaucratic method, but seems to get results. It’s always favourable when someone else has a similar system of governance as I have always fared well in tests of character and interview situations.
I suggest that next time I meet someone with a panel akin to mine, we get them together for an evening of cheese and wine for a meet and greet. This will promote synergy and encourage networking opportunities. My board has been a little lackadaisical recently so the boost in moral would do them good.

I don’t offer my board many perks or even good pay, but they can clearly see I’m moving up the ladder at a natural pace and their own position would benefit from a little exercise of patience.

Maybe I should sack them, they’ve done fuck all for me recently. The useless solipsistic bastards.

Maybe that’s a little harsh. They’re not all bastards. There’s a couple of rotten ones in there, but there’s a small majority that I like. They’re kind and have a very active and passionate sense of romance. They like Gavin and Stacey and Romeo and Juliet and sonnets and poetry and folk music and Disney. Then there’s the others who’re either world weary and cynical or childish and stubborn. They look at Gavin and Stacey and Romeo and Juliet and sonnets and poetry and folk music and Disney and they scoff. They think I’m above it or past it.

My board of officials are an odd bunch. I’m not sure who chose them or how they came to that position. They’ve all got an peculiar history behind them, a varied history of faults and failures yet they’re in charge. They’ve skimped on certain relationships for me which could have been very good (two girls in particular spring to mind. Very separate in time and circumstance, linked only by my failure to act.) They’ve got me into things which have ended badly for me in pain and whatnot.

I think I’ll keep my board of officials. They’ve been wrong, they’ve done bad things but ultimately I think they’re there for my best interests. They want me not to fall in love but to be in love. They want happiness for me, but life keeps getting in their way for me. Their chosen path for me sometimes has a fallen tree across it.

I think I’ll keep my board of officials. I see potential in them.