I've a party to go to and nothing to wear!

Or


I have a problem.

I don’t know how to look good. I don’t know how I am supposed to appear aesthetically pleasing to females (or males, for that thought). I know how to dress smart, how to chill out, how to make myself look different from everyone else. But as soon as someone says ‘Dress sexy’, I’m fucked.
Now, this isn’t a low self-confidence thing, I happen to think I’m not entirely displeasing to the eyes. I’m big (6’2” and pretty broad across the shoulders), bold (my hair is notorious [more on that in another post soon]) and I exist very insistently. I like the way I look. I’ve blogged about it before. But that doesn’t mean that I know what I’m doing. I’d feel self-conscious if I called it blind luck, but I stumble across things I like and then kind of add them to my wardrobe. I know what I don’t like, what doesn’t suit me and what just doesn’t work, but have absolutely no idea how to do it right.

It’s a well known fact that my ego has bypassed sheer high self-esteem and is now within the clutches of megalomania. But what bugs me is that despite my utter nonchalance at 99.9% of the external world, my internal struggle with being an almost-adult, a ‘not-quite-there-yet’ person is never ending and utterly frustrating. I don’t know what it is, but fashion is difficult. I can spot style a mile off, Swagger is a substance that I can measure in shit-tonnes and cubic fuck-off metres. Pointing and laughing at people’s bad dressing and general appearance is nigh on a hobby. But I can’t do it for myself, apparently.

I’ll give a bit of background. A good friend of mine is having a 25th birthday party with the theme as ‘Sexy Party’. I’m looking forward to this as Bungle has the best parties going and knows a lot of seriously sexy people. I’m trying to figure out an outfit that I can wear though. I try to stay in shape, but going in as little clothing as possible when there’s a nationally renowned Parkour traceur (read: absolutely beastly athlete) and a fitness and health freak going to the party too would be futile and unsexy.
Girls have it easy. There are so many tips and guides and aides and helps and pointers and magazines and books and studies and directions to help a woman be sexy, it’s frustrating when a female doesn’t do it perpetually (in some cases).
What do men have? Those who put a small amount of effort into looking for answers in obvious places get things like ‘Big Hands’, ‘GSOH’, ‘Money’, ‘Confidence’ etc. Now, it’s all very well and good saying these things and with some dissection, we can understand why these things are attractive. Dig a little deeper and you see things like ‘Understanding’, ‘Clever’, ‘Passionate’. But how does one put these attributes into physical form? How am I supposed to put ‘confident, intelligent, passionate and talented’ (quote from a friend) into an outfit for a party?

I’ve been asking around. Getting some opinions from those I trust on these issues. Some mildly unexpected answers, actually. One said I’ve “just got an air about [me]”. Another said it’s an “absolute confidence. An ‘I couldn’t give a fuck’ vibe.” A fairly recent compliment I wasn’t expecting was that I have incredibly deep eyes.
Now, all of this does nothing for the absolutely shocking state of my ego (seriously, Phileas Fogg could circumnavigate the globe in it), nor does it get me any closer to an outfit. But the ‘don’t care’ attitude seems to be a common thread. Which is a good thing, no?

A female blogger from the more naughty side of the internet called Bitchy Jones (oh, how I worship thee) said ‘You want to be sexy? If you look gay, you’re doing it right.’ Now, it’s a little radical, but you can understand her point. Women know how to sexualise themselves because, for at least one reason, that’s what men find attractive. Gay men can sexualise themselves as they know how to attract men. Simples.
I think I’ve outlined before how I have no problem looking at good looking men (be it straight or gay, who cares?) and just today (well, yesterday. It’s now 5am as I write this) I met my friend’s gay dad who was very ‘Hollywood’. Tanned, strong jaw line, big arms, blue eyes. The whole shebang. This was a man who knew how to look good.
The only problem with the whole ‘look like a gay man’ is, I don’t look like a gay guy. Stereotypes aside, I can’t imagine me looking any differently than I do now if I was gay. I doubt I’d have any idea how to sexualise myself then either. So that’s no help.

Nancy Friday, famous author on carnal issues states that Men’s bodies are the last secret continent. She had some different undertones, but I think it stills runs true. Media, Society and the Public just don’t know what they’re doing when they try to sexualise men. I mean, if you know where to look, there are a tonne of places where you can find sexy men or women talking about how attractive men are or men’s fashion (which isn’t just androgynous Topman garbage).

[Sidenote: I know it’s been a while, but here’s a new side note. I fucking hate Topman. There’s fuck all in there that fits me, 99.9998% doesn’t suit me and the only thing I’ve ever bought from there that I didn’t loathe was a pair of black trousers (which were overpriced) which I needed for work. I don’t want to look like everyone else. Particularly not when everyone else looks like they do m-cat, read the NME and haven’t had a shit in four years. I know of only two men who can get away with wearing a check shirt. One wears converse perpetually, the other drinks Guinness and is a tattoo artist. Neither of them wear skinny jeans. Fuck Topman.]

So.
I’m still left in a quandary. I’ve a party to go to, but nothing to wear.
Maybe I’ll ring up Gok Wan one day and ask him for help. I think I need more kilts in my wardrobe, I think I need more belts. I think I need more large jumpers in my wardrobe and I think I need more shorts. I definitely need more shirts. I can’t go without real trousers for much longer. Fuck it, I just need to win the lottery and go shopping or something.

Bah, I’ll cobble something together. I’ve got a bit of an idea to be honest, but I thought you lot deserved a blog post on something I find really interesting.
Apologies to anyone who shops at Topman. But seriously. Don’t become another one of the shipe.